One of the greatest
human needs is to be validated. Validation simply means to understand and agree
with a person’s feelings. Our feelings are neither good or bad. It only becomes
right or wrong when we act on our feelings.
Yesterday, my sixteen
year old daughter came to me asking for a favor. She said, “Daddy, I just need
to get something off my chest. I need you to listen to me about something. I
don’t want you to say anything.” My first thought was, “Girl, you’re a great
communicator! Who’s your Daddy?” I assured her that she had my undivided
attention and she began to spill what was on her heart. I didn’t offer one drop
of advice, kudos to me. We hugged, she felt better, and the world lived happily
ever after!
What my daughter needed
was validation. While this is a good start for a teenager, I myself have not
always been so enlightened on the subject. I’m still growing in this area. As a
typical man, I used to be very generous about offering solutions to people’s
problems. After much pain and heartache, I learnt that most of the time people
don’t want to be fixed; they want to be heard. People are dying to share what
they’re feeling but they want to do it in a safe environment.
People are smart. Most
of the time people figure out the solutions to their own problems. They don’t
need me. What we all want is validation. When we’re in doubt, when we’re
struggling, we want to process life with someone who understands what we’re
going through and approves of our feelings. This doesn’t have to mean we
believe the same things or endorse their actions. People have a need to feel
safe emotionally, to air their ideas and hang them on the lines of our hearts
for some fresh air as we do with our laundry. When we think, pray, and process
with them, often they find the answers to their own problems.
So how can we become
effective in validating others? We can learn from our Lord -- the master
communicator. When He met with the woman at the well, He didn’t condemn her. He
didn’t grab her by the throat and tell her that she was going to hell for her
crimes. No; instead he validated her. He drew the negatives out from her heart
and turned them into positives. He didn’t condemn her but He didn’t condone her
actions either. He lovingly said, “Go and sin no more.” How easy it was for her
to swallow that pill! Friends, if you want to be like Jesus quit throwing
stones at people. Validate others. Let me give you a few tips.
First, learn to listen.
When we listen without interruptions and offering advice, we create a safe
environment. We show respect and dignity when we allow the person to vent
without making them feel guilty for their feelings.
Second, share your own
shortcomings. When people are feeling bad about themselves, they feel
condemned. That is not the time to say, “I told you so.” In vulnerable
situations like that, it’s best to validate the person’s feelings by sharing
very brief story about your own failure. This will still keep the conversation
on the other person but ease the burden of guilt.
Third, become a
consultant. Give advice if, and only if, it’s asked. Share only when the person
is open, willing, and ready to receive it. When they are hungry for advice,
they’ll be more willing to change. One of the best things we can do to help
others is to allow them time and space to come up with their own solutions.
Today, let’s validate
someone. Don’t prejudge a person. People treat us like the clothes we wear.
They only see what we show them. Let’s take the time to listen to people. When
we validate others, we give them wings to fly!
“Understand this, my dear brothers and
sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry”
(James 1:19 NLT).
Invite Sandy Anderson to Speak: Call
972 800 4346, Email: buildinternational@sbcglobal.net
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